i'm not running from you.

What if I wanted to break?

Laugh it all off in your face.

What would you do?

So i've just managed to drag myself out of bed,
where I have been for the last nearly 24 hours.
Literally, wallowing in self-pity.


So yesterday.
I never thought it was possible to cry that much in one day.
And then I woke up at 4am, searching for something, and I mean REALLY searching. I stripped back all my bed, and dug out all my draws. Until I stopped and realised I had no idea what I was looking for.
So I cried. I physically felt like I was going mad.
I think subconciously, I thought I lost something. But then I realised I was never going to find it.
I lost so much yesterday.
It's a shame I couldn't find them under my cusions or duvet.


I didn't even attempt facing school today.
I woke up at 6:30. And cried everything I had left in me.
I told my mum I was ill.
She later found out the real reason.
My brother went mental about the whole situation, threatening to kill him.
I physically had never seen him like that.
He hates me. Yet I really did feel protected like?
That situation could have gone either way.
I chose to tell him to stay out of it.
I don't want him to hurt you. Not even after how much you hurt me.


So now I don't know how I feel.
I haven't eaten since 11'o'clock yesterday morning.
thats 30 hours?
I dont feel hungry.
I feel empty.
I don't feel angry.
I feel regretful.
Maybe if I'd done this or that, it'd be different?
But it wouldnt would it?
Cause you never loved me the way i loved you.
I got too attached.
And this is what happens when you want something too much.


But guess what?
You. Are Not. Going to break me.
Someone last night told me I was more than strong enough to get through this.
And I really believe them.
Do not think your going to ruin my life.
I didn't like who I was when I was with you.
And now I'm starting again.
It'll probably take a while for me to trust anyone,
as much as I trusted you,
But I'm gonna do it.
no matter how much it's gonna fucking hurt.


To be honest,
people have been amazing through all this.
Daisie Tuson; I really love you so much right now. You didn't have to do everything you did for me. You didn't have to help me wipe off my make-up. You didn't have to let me soak your blazer in tears. But you did. And I'm so lucky to have you tbh. Your the only person I need right now (L)
&
bridie cann, dan lockstone, lauren white, drew wyllie;
you four, even just through texts or hugs, made me feel millions better.
and when I feel better,
your all gonna get the biggest hugs in the world :)

Well.

I'm off.

Hello Single Life.

I'm already fed up of you.

And I've only been living it a day.