this hurts me more than i can stand to say, in just one sitting.

This hurts so much more than I thought it would.
This feels like I've had my heart ripped out my chest and stamped on.
I feel absolutly disgusting in myself. I feel ugly and fat and just awful.
I always knew this would happen.
But I never prepared myself.
I never thought it'd come to this.
This is not attention seeking.
I can't physically speak.
I feel so sick I'm actually retching.
I haven't eaten for dinner or lunch and I'm not hungry.
I've done so many sit ups & had such a long run just to try and put you to the back of my mind.
I'm trying to turn myself into something you might actually want.
Skinny? Pretty?
But after all that. Will it even matter?
I don't think it will.


I love you.
And I wish so much I'd never fallen for you.
Cause truth be told,
you could make me feel so fucking amazing about myself,
and in the same instant make me feel like I wasn't worth anything.
Right now I feel like the second one. Apart from 1000times worse.


What hurts the most?
I'm gonna miss our chats.
I'm gonna miss you calling me at 2am just to say i love you.
I'm gonna miss laying with you on a sunday watching Glee.
I'm gonna miss your family who were absolutly incredible,
and tbh I felt like I actually fitted in right with them.
I'm gonna miss the way you told me I was beautiful even when I disagreed.
I'm gonna miss how much you told me you loved me. Even though now I know it wasnt true.
I'm gonna miss how I loved every inch of you but never told you.
I'm gonna miss how everything you said made me smile.
I'm gonna miss how you said you wernt jealous, but I knew you were.
I'm gonna miss how when I said I was annoyed, I never was. I just wanted a hug.


I'm not angry at you.
I'm not mad at you.
I find it impossible.
I've tried so hard to hate you for what you did.
But I can't.
I love you too much to hate you.
And I guess your never going to realise that.

I hate 2010.

This is awful.

I'm sorry.