feel like i'm losing my best friend.
to my other best friend.
this is shit.
i want to be able to be close to my boyfriend and my friends.
guess that isn't happening anytime soon though.
greattt.

read through all my old posts.

i can't even contemplate how i felt back then.
i like to think my life is amazing now because of how shit the start of the year was.
and it's funny because everyone in my life now is better in every aspect,
yet i still thought it was the end of the world in like March.
LOL im just laughing at myself.
i was 13, what the fuck :')

s'all about blogger again yeah?

life = gr8.

LOL BLOGGER IS GAY.

and everyones a wanker.
yet i love everything.
because everyone being wankers is funny (-|
heoheoheo.

ouch.

I fucking miss you okay? so, so much.

Is that what you wanted?

Me to sit there and tell you how much this fucking hurts?,

and how pathetic i think i am because i can't get over this?

mission accomplished.

cause all i've done all weekend is cry and feel sick.

you were just always perfect ok?

you meant the fucking world to me.

you knew how much i needed you,

just to fucking keep me going,

and you go and fuck me up even more.

the stuff you said and the way you knew i was crying even in the dark so you hugged me,

just made me want to stop time even though i was pouring my eyes out, i wanted to stay there forever because i knew i was safe.

and i actually thought you cared.

i want you to want me,

because god knows i want you more than i've ever wanted anything.

im sorry.

dontevenbother.

Oh fuck. Fucketdy Fuck Fuck, Wank, Shit, Cunt

That was bad. So fucking bad. Oh god.

Someone tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?

And why I do this stuff when I know I'm being a twat?

But for fuck sake, it takes two to tango.

Oh god. I haven't cried in 6 weeks, or been sick in 4 years.

And I fucking broke that record last night.

All because of that.

Why. Why. Why.

I was stupid to ever consider doing that,

and doing it just makes me into the biggest idiot around.

I seriously need a slap.

And even after that,

I go and pour my fucking heart out to you.

And what makes it worse, is that all the stuff you said to me,

made me feel better.

And it shouldn't have.

Because it's most probably a load of bullshit.

But I believe it, cause its just easy to believe.

And just for the record, I didn't go to sleep as you told me to.

I layed awake until about 7, wondering what the hell to do next.

Cause I've been through some right shit with you,

but this is the worst.

Because this time I knew that it was going to happen. You knew what you were doing.

I should of walked away.

But me being me, didnt.

And now I'm stuck with that in my head and I can't even fucking remember anything apart from how good it made me feel about myself.

And then how everything just fucking hit me afterwards and how I've never felt like my chest was going to burst until that moment.

All I know is what I kept repeating last night.

I don't know what to do.

And all the stuff I told you about what I think about myself, is true.

You could sit there for more than the hour you did, trying to convince me that it's not true.

But it fucking is and everyone knows it.

I haven't said this in ages.

But.

FUCK MY LIFE.

I can't do this anymore.

dontreadthisplese.

Okay, blogger.

This is just a fucking long paragraph about the shambles that is my life.

I don't feel anything anymore. Any emotion i had left in me has been drained away by this false smile i'm constantly painting across my face. Every inch of love I had for people has been ripped out of my chest and either thrown on the floor or just taken for granted. I can't describe this feeling. This constant lump in my throat as if all the words have swollen up and refuse to come out. This constant ache in my body as if all my feelings are attacking my bones + muscles. I don't want to feel this useless. Worthless. Ugly. But I just can't help it. I want to feel wanted again. I want to fall in love again but only as long as they'll love me back. Because love has gotten me into this mess, and I wish I'd never fallen for you. Our friendship is something I wouldn't trade for the world, but our relationship is the memories I just need to come to life. I can't keep telling myself I'm fine and I'm completely okay with everything. Cause I'm not.

I dont even love you anymore. I just miss how it felt when I knew I meant the world to you. In a sense, I dont miss you. I miss the feeling. God I hope you never read this because I can't risk those late night chats, that one thing that I've managed to cling to. To just savour the tiniest thing from what used to be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Oh and I kind of feel sorry for her, because, despite everything that she's said, done, or gotten her friends to do. I know how she feels. You tore her heart up aswell. She may not be my cup of tea, but she's still just another girl who probably feels just like me. I can't stop her saying stuff about me or you or get her friends to just leave this be, but I can just not hold a grudge. Love makes you do stupid stuff, she'll hopefully realise that someday.

I feel so distant from everyone. Like I say words but that's not how I feel. Its like I'm reading a script and watching someone else's life go by. And I know at any point I can intervene but I just haven't got the energy. I can't change everything. Because everyone's changed. Even my best friends, have become just different. I love them to pieces still. But its different, and not very nice. I could really use a wish right now.

I haven't cried since we broke up because nothing could ever make me that sad.

All my emotions are just bottling up and I think I'm gonna explode.

Someone just listen to me? I know I'll moan and probably pour my heart out, but just please, give me 5 minutes to tell you how much this fucking hurts. And how much I've lied to you all.

I'm sorry if anyone reads this.

I need someone to sweep me off my feet.

):