dontreadthisplese.

Okay, blogger.

This is just a fucking long paragraph about the shambles that is my life.

I don't feel anything anymore. Any emotion i had left in me has been drained away by this false smile i'm constantly painting across my face. Every inch of love I had for people has been ripped out of my chest and either thrown on the floor or just taken for granted. I can't describe this feeling. This constant lump in my throat as if all the words have swollen up and refuse to come out. This constant ache in my body as if all my feelings are attacking my bones + muscles. I don't want to feel this useless. Worthless. Ugly. But I just can't help it. I want to feel wanted again. I want to fall in love again but only as long as they'll love me back. Because love has gotten me into this mess, and I wish I'd never fallen for you. Our friendship is something I wouldn't trade for the world, but our relationship is the memories I just need to come to life. I can't keep telling myself I'm fine and I'm completely okay with everything. Cause I'm not.

I dont even love you anymore. I just miss how it felt when I knew I meant the world to you. In a sense, I dont miss you. I miss the feeling. God I hope you never read this because I can't risk those late night chats, that one thing that I've managed to cling to. To just savour the tiniest thing from what used to be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Oh and I kind of feel sorry for her, because, despite everything that she's said, done, or gotten her friends to do. I know how she feels. You tore her heart up aswell. She may not be my cup of tea, but she's still just another girl who probably feels just like me. I can't stop her saying stuff about me or you or get her friends to just leave this be, but I can just not hold a grudge. Love makes you do stupid stuff, she'll hopefully realise that someday.

I feel so distant from everyone. Like I say words but that's not how I feel. Its like I'm reading a script and watching someone else's life go by. And I know at any point I can intervene but I just haven't got the energy. I can't change everything. Because everyone's changed. Even my best friends, have become just different. I love them to pieces still. But its different, and not very nice. I could really use a wish right now.

I haven't cried since we broke up because nothing could ever make me that sad.

All my emotions are just bottling up and I think I'm gonna explode.

Someone just listen to me? I know I'll moan and probably pour my heart out, but just please, give me 5 minutes to tell you how much this fucking hurts. And how much I've lied to you all.

I'm sorry if anyone reads this.

I need someone to sweep me off my feet.

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